I have watched 23 sunrises since I learned my baby passed away. I am so attracted to light these days. At 730 every morning the sun is high enough that the sun beams begin to trickle through my window and by 830 the sun is bright enough it warms my face. I like to watch the sunrise for that hour and then lay with my eyes closed and feel the warmth of the sun on my face; Such peace washes over me each morning as I am warmed by the light. This morning I realized when the sun is in direct contact with my face I can crack my eyes slightly and the light will reflect and make little rainbows off my eyelashes. This has much significance to me: The light reminds me of the God I serve as He has written, “I am the light”. It also reminds me of who holds my son. The little rainbows remind to think on his promises.
The nights are the hardest. The first week they were pure agony: the silence, the stillness, the emptiness. Night time used to be when I felt my son interact with me the most. I can sometimes still remember the feelings of his kicks and his favorite places to burrow in. He was such an active night owl. That first week I F E L T stillness. It was heavy and dreadful and lonely. Nights that were usually greeted with restlessness from a bouncing baby and acid reflux had now resolved and I found myself able to lay still in one position with no interaction. Time also slowed at night and I was left with only my thoughts and my broken heart. I had plenty of time to hear my fears and hurts play in stereo. Even my tears were in slow motion, so slow in fact, I could feel the warmth of them burn my cheeks as they slid down my face. I spent hours staring out the window waiting for the light to return. When I did fall asleep I found a haven from my grief as I could return to a time before my loss, but it was short lived as my pain always met me at first consciousness. It’s in this first week that I would hear whispers to my heart that would turn my heartbreak to hope… my eerie stillness would be turned to “be still and know I am God.” As my eyes met the morning sun I would hear “this is the day the Lord has made” and “I am the light the truth and the way”
The nights are kinder now; They aren’t as empty or dark. My thoughts are speeding up and the tears are fewer. I usually sleep most the night and my heart smiles as the sun wakes me for a new day.