If it is Not Beautiful Yet…

As many of you know, we miscarried a month ago. The afternoon after my surgery, our 6-year-old asked me what Parker’s song was. After Hudson passed we made a playlist of songs that speak to us in our grief, songs that remind us of the time Hudson was with us and songs that encourage us and lift us out of the darkness. It is a playlist my boys know well. So well in fact, when they feel sad they will ask me to play “Hudson’s song”.

At that time, I didn’t know Parker’s songs. I spent the next several weeks listening and tuning in to every song I heard. Sweet friends would send me songs. Nice songs. But none seemed to really fit where I was emotionally or really speak to my aching heart like Hudson’s playlist had after he passed.

Well, this past Thursday, exactly on the month anniversary that we found out Parker had passed, a sweet family struggling through their own storm posted this song “Glory to Glory” by Iron Bell. I immediately knew it belonged on Parker’s playlist.

I blasted that song all day as I cleaned our home and three of our boys played around the house. It was the perfect soul soothing “Parker song”.

After Hudson passed, I had an initial response to want to find the meaning or the why for the tragic loss. There was a desire to want to see the beauty from ashes that God promises. Well, it has been nine months since Hudson passed and I do not have a profound story of beauty from ashes. I have pain and a promise that one day we will be together again.

After Parker passed away, I did not try to fill the why. I did not even look for the beauty from ashes. In fact, I cringed when I heard others suggest it because it seemed so far away and almost a platitude to an aching heart.

Parker was an early miscarriage at 10.5 weeks (we found out at 12 week appt). Our doctor informed us that 75% of women will experience an early miscarriage in their life. 75%. In one way, I should feel more supported that I am not alone and that this is not some grievance the cosmic forces are playing against me. Instead, I felt isolated and alone. 75% of women are experiencing this pain, yet all is so silent. I knew a few that had experienced miscarriage, but not near those numbers. Parker’s loss was so much more lonely than Hudson’s.

Hudson was 27 weeks and by law required a burial. The medical community considered him a baby and he was birthed like my other boys. I had grief counseling at bedside. I was given a box of his hand prints and feet prints to take home. I was permitted to hold him and take pictures with him. We had recognition of our pain.

However, with Parker being an early miscarriage, in the medical community he was termed “components of conception” and I was scheduled for a “D&C with suction” for a diagnosis of a “missed abortion”. It was cold, clinical, and lonely. When I woke from surgery there was no one asking how I was emotionally. I was told all went well and I was wheeled out of the hospital less than 45 minutes after waking from my surgery. There was no seeing my baby. There was no recognition or validation he was a baby. There was no recognition that I had lost more than some unwanted tissue that afternoon. My heart was broken at the loss of my sixth son and all felt silent.

When I heard “Glory to Glory” I was instantly reminded of how faithful God is with his promises;

I believe all that You start You complete

From Glory to Glory

And I believe You never stop taking me

From Glory to Glory

All I know is this

There’s nothing that You miss

If it’s not beautiful yet

It’s gonna be

There’s no fear or fight

That takes you by surprise, no

If it’s not beautiful yet

It’s gonna be

My heart leaped. “All You start, You complete”. You started my Hudson’s and Parker’s existence. You started my love for them. You started this journey. You added to our family.

“And if it’s not beautiful yet, it’s gonna be”

And that is exactly where I am. I believe 100% that even though it doesn’t feel beautiful now, that it will be. God can’t lie. He can’t not fulfill His promises. Truth is what He is. Truth is intertwined and in essence who He is.

A few days later, this same family posted about the Bible stories we know well from childhood: Noah, Abraham, Israelites crossing the sea. He highlighted that in their stories there were years of waiting, often a lifetime. Again, I felt reminded that just because Beauty hasn’t arrived in 8 months or even 8 years that doesn’t mean it won’t happen.

There are so many instances in my life that have ended not so beautiful. Things that I strongly felt God called me to do, yet here I sit 10 plus years later saying where is the beauty here?

I am thankful that my fears and struggles do not take Him by surprise. I am thankful He gave me a book full of reminders of others serving many years and lifetimes waiting on His promises followed by Him answering those long awaited promises. I am thankful that when I feel like things have “ended”, He is reminding me, if it is not beautiful yet it has not ended.

Thank you to those of you who share in your own suffering that I may glean from your wisdom. Thank you to our precious friends and supporters who have loved us well during these lonely hard days.

If you have suffered an early miscarriage. I am sorry. So sorry. Claim that baby and know many recognize your loss. Know that your baby matters not only to you, but also to God.

Until all is beautiful again, He counts our tears and strengthens us.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Related & Posts

Estate Planning and Probate Law