“A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life”
I heard this quote just a few days after I cut six plus inches off my own hair. I’ve never given it much thought. In the past, I thought I was just ready for a change and having fun with a new look, but when I heard this quote it clicked, that for me, major hair changes have been consistent with monumental changes in my life. I like to grow my hair out and wear my natural color when I am feeling “true to myself” and “in my zone”. After my second son was born I went back to my natural color and grew my hair out. It fit. As a new mom of two I didn’t want to spend extra time at a hair salon. I was spending my “me time” at CrossFit and prepping Whole 30 meals. I was working to get myself back in shape to be the best version of “me”.
Recently, I have been inspired to make changes once again. I’ve been weighed down in anxiety over the aftermath of a hard year (learn more about that year here) which is evident by the amount of Dr. Pepper I have consumed. Over the past six months life is beginning to regulate. The twin’s health has much improved since their tubes were placed. They attend a little preschool and I once again have a little time to myself. I’ve tired of my sweat pants, pony tails and no make-up look. For our Valentine’s date, we went clothes shopping and I decided it was time for a new doo. This was an external sign of me emotionally sloughing off the hard year and emerging into the new refined version of myself.
Tomorrow my new treadmill arrives. The treadmill I swore I would never own because running outside is free and more enjoyable.
Life has a funny way of reminding you all the ways you’ve sworn “you’d never” and letting you humbly eat your pie.
Oddly enough, most of my “nevers” are things I’ve grown to love; like that minivan in my driveway, and being a “mostly” stay at home mom.
I feel like a caterpillar that is beginning to exit her cocoon. Inside the walls of my home, while dressed in sweat pants, life has been working hard on refining me. True to refineries, I have been heated to boiling, treated, and set into a new mold. I’ve wrestled with my identity as my jobs have changed, my daily schedule has changed, and my productivity plummeted. I have wrestled with my purpose. The ever-nagging question that bounces around in my head of should I follow that dream of starting that business and how that coordinates with the passion I have for being home with my kids has finally found a resting place. Those ever-present anxieties for my kid’s health and well-being have found an oasis at God’s feet.
As I am emerging out of my cocoon, life seems slower and brighter. My thoughts are slowing. I feel more comfortable in my skin and more at ease in my decisions.
As I am taking flight once again it has been freeing to take a big belly laugh at all the overly dramatic things I have said or thought. There is plenty of material to keep my husband and I laughing for years; like most recently, when I asked him if he thought I could be going through menopause because of my new state of intermittent sweating. He looked at me confused, his only response was, “you are 36.” He finds safety in facts. He often tries to use logic to diffuse my emotions. Like the time a few weeks ago when I asked if my outfit looked ok and he stated, “you are wearing leggings.” Why yes, and a shirt, and shoes, and … I have come to appreciate our communication style. I realize in these moments he is trying to be honest (which I really do appreciate) and he gives me plenty of great one liners to throw out for quick laughs later. In all honesty, he is a lot more compassionate than what I normally throw out when tables are turned. I usually say something like “that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.” This past week after an emotional overload that left me in unexpected rage, he playfully mused, “I get it. I’m not going anywhere. Who else would be able to say really stupid things to help you get the rage out faster?” This guy is my soul mate! For me, this was the perfect response and one I plan to quote for a long time. Maybe as the kids get a little bigger he will once again be able to finish his sentences, but for right now I have learned he means well.
Our home is one of joy, love, tears, banter, sarcasm and chaos. I have been trying to wrangle the chaos, but I am learning to ride the waves. I have no doubt as these waves come there will be plenty more transitions that will lead to yet another new haircut and while I do not always enjoy the process, I am learning to embrace these changes for what they are; seasons in my cherished life.